Day three. Feeling less depleted knowing that tomorrow I will be at the doctor who will do a "mental health plan". Another step closer to feeling better.
I remember often laying awake at night in bed thinking "What have i done to deserve this?" These feelings that were eating away at my soul. The washing machine stomach that sometimes makes me vomit because I don't know how to get the turbulence out. The souless eyes that can't register the outside world because its all i can do just to walk amongst the living. I don't want these feelings anymore. I want to put them to bed.
I have ruined so many beautiful things in my life because every time I feel stable and happy, I feel uneasy. Like something isn't quite right. It has been the story of my life that as soon as I start to feel comfortable, I feel a desperate need to run. To pack up everything and just go. Or find some way to ruin all the stability i have managed to create.
I can't believe that it has taken my whole life to realise that all the pain I suffered as a kid was not my fault. It was completely out of my control. And above everything else, i did not deserve it.
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