Just Desserts

It suddenly dawns on me that every problem I have is because I never felt worthy. While I may have a million people that could have helped me, I was always too scared to ask because I felt that I was not their problem. That I was not their responsibility to help and unfortunately, the people who were responsible were not capable.

It is time for me now to find the people who are capable and able to help me to help myself

"Please believe that things are good with me, and even when they are not, they will be soon enough.
      And I believe the same about you." (Stephen Chbosky -The Perks of Being a Wallflower)

STEP TWO

Day three. Feeling less depleted knowing that tomorrow I will be at the doctor who will do a "mental health plan". Another step closer to feeling better.

I remember often laying awake at night in bed thinking "What have i done to deserve this?" These feelings that were eating away at my soul. The washing machine stomach that sometimes makes me vomit because I don't know how to get the turbulence out. The souless eyes that can't register the outside world because its all i can do just to walk amongst the living. I don't want these feelings anymore. I want to put them to bed.

I have ruined so many beautiful things in my life because every time I feel stable and happy, I feel uneasy. Like something isn't quite right. It has been the story of my life that as soon as I start to feel comfortable, I feel a desperate need to run. To pack up everything and just go. Or find some way to ruin all the stability i have managed to create.

I can't believe that it has taken my whole life to realise that all the pain I suffered as a kid was not my fault. It was completely out of my control. And above everything else, i did not deserve it.

Step one

I am going to chronicle my way back to mental health.

Step one is complete. I've worked out that I'm suffering more than I can deal with myself so I went to the doctor. The doctor sent me for blood tests which I went to get. Now just have to get results and the doctor will work out the plan of attack.

Feeling today, Pretty low. Trying to push through it. Trying to be upbeat but I can hardly breathe. I messed up by allowing myself to be vulnerable. I need to get my footing again.

Entree

As expected, the downward spiral. I tried to fight it but I couldn't battle alone. I am not willing to surrender to myself yet so to the doctors I go. I hope they can save me from instrumenting my own undoing.

The sleeping pills were a good bandaid for a while but with out them I realise that I still have a lot of healing to do. Time to face up and get better without the chemical helpers. I want to be alright on my own. I don't want to be on the Anti-depressants. They make me who I am not. And withdrawals are a bitch. So no matter what the doctors say, I will not go back on them.

I think I am ready. I want to be better. I don't want to run away any more.

Raw Heart

My thumping heart resonates my whole body, as i scramble for the breathes that do not contain enough oxygen. Jagged hooks are pulling the insides of my throat towards my churning stomach. I stare at my computer screen and concentrate. Breathe in. Breathe out. Its all I can do too stop myself from jumping up and running from the room. it's all I can do to stop those tears from streaming from my eyes. To you I'm strong. I'm happy. My tears they will give away my guise. Traitors.

Thoughts of always being second choice. The consolation prize. The one who will make do because that one they really wanted wasn't interested. I want to be positive. I want to hope that one day I will the one who could possibly be someone's number one. But if the past is representative of the future, I will never make first place

Light Pickings

I want to be perfect for you.

My hope sinks every time I realise that I will never even come close.

Then I realise, you are not perfect.

But I like you anyway.

Todays Special

How does today feel? Like another big mess of thoughts and self oppression. So happy yet so bored. So content but full of self loathing. That itchy voice invading my peaceful swim telling me that I will never be good enough. That I will never compare. After all, who am I really?

I sit on the outside because I'm not entirely sure where I belong. The group that stays together that I will never really be a part of. But will I ever really belong? A glimpse of being a part of it, being accepted, but not really sure whether I am.

I'm not sure that I know how to belong.